Beautiful Boy: Reflections on Dreams & Fatherhood
“Pulling weeds, picking stones. We are made of dreams and bones”
Currently I’m reading Beautiful Boy
Of all these emotions, I think it is sadness I feel most. Sadness to see a bright and athletic boy, who once appeared destined for greatness, become seduced by the world of drugs. Sadness to see the dreams of both the father and son turn to dust. And sadness to see so much squandered potential, as encapsulated in the following quote from the book:
“My son, the svelte and muscular swimmer, water-polo player, and surfer with an ebullient smile, is bruised, sallow, skin and bone, and his eyes are vacant black holes. When I reach him he goes limp in my arms.”
If you read my post It’s a Boy!, you will know that I am the father to a one-week-old baby boy (as well as a 17 month old boy). Given this, I’m sure you can easily understand why reading Beautiful Boy
But I am also left to wonder, why don’t I see myself in the same manner? Even after all this time - the countless hours I have spent devoted to personal growth - I still cannot say that I truly believe in myself. I want to believe in my own power. And to a certain extent I do….. But there is still something holding me back. Is it fear? Am I scared of who I could be and the things I could do? Of course this sounds crazy, but I think it is true.
As you probably know, human beings have a remarkable talent for finding fault in others while being oblivious, or perhaps it is purposely ignorant, of our own faults. I would also argue that for many of us, it is much easier to see potential in others - especially young children - than it is ourselves.
Perhaps this is why it is common for parents to try to live out their own personal dreams via their children, without regard to what their children actually want. This is clearly a mistake. Children should be encouraged to dream their own dreams, and then given encouragement and support to make them a reality. And this should still be the case when these dreams don’t match those of their parents. I remember an episode of So You Think You Can Dance where a sports obsessed father was still struggling with the idea that his son preferred dancing over football (the son was quite talented and had obviously been dancing for some years by the time of this episode). To the son’s credit, he had the courage to pursue his passion anyway. But I wonder: how many children’s dreams have been shattered by unsupportive parents?
Here then is my personal challenge: to view my own life the same way I view the lives of my two sons. That is, to recognize the endless opportunities that lay before me and are within my grasp if I am willing to work hard, take a few risks and believe in myself.
Beautiful Boy
One event that obviously had a major impact on Nic Sheff was the divorce of his parents at a young age, and the somewhat strange custody agreement that had him living with his father during the school year and his mother during the summer holidays. As the father, David Sheff, writes in the book: “Nic was always missing someone”. My parents also divorced when I was young. Indeed, one of my earliest memories is standing on the front porch watching my father walk out the front gate of our yard on the way to his new place. This event instilled in me the motivation to work particularly hard to maintain a loving and strong relationship with my wife Kathryn, and this book has only reinforced the importance of doing so.
What else can be done? There are many things. Providing a good example through my own actions. Doing everything possible to give my boys a happy life they don’t feel the need to escape from. A solid education that gives them the opportunity to pursue their passions and interests. Ultimately, however, they will live their own lives and make their own decisions. And even the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.
It is amazing feeling to become a parent, but I have never before felt so vulnerable….
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25 Comments
July 14th, 2008 at 5:25 am
I don’t have any children so I can’t say I’ve been in your position of that kind of vulnerability. But somehow I do understand. I can empathize. Why?
Because growing up, my folks, in the interest of being so-called “realistic” told me I could not become a pilot (I’ve been deaf since birth for the benefit of others who don’t know me). Unfortunately I believed them and did what they wanted me to do (forget about it and pursue other things).
Years later I woke up and realized that my passion for flying was still burning within me. One thing led to another and I ended up becoming a pilot, eventually making history in 2006 by achieving what others thought would be impossible (earned an instrument rating which actually requires use of radio but we got around that).
I commend/applaud you for realizing that it’s important to encourage your child to dream big and not squash them. Good for you and your two sons. They’re lucky to have such an opened minded father.
Stephen Hopsons last blog post..End of the Week Gratitude Theme #36
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July 14th, 2008 at 6:32 am
The fact that you are aware of this is 85% of the battle.
You’ll get it right soon.
Marc and Angel Hack Lifes last blog post..101 Dirt Cheap Ways to Enjoy Yourself
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July 14th, 2008 at 7:13 am
I guess it’s a tough balancing act because on the one hand you have been entrusted this little being who right now is completely helpless without you, and on the other hand you have to realize that he’s a unique soul who has to follow his own destiny. Your sons are fortunate to have a father who thinks about things like these Peter.
Marelisas last blog post..Your Anti-Career Guide – A Holistic Approach to Discovering Your Life’s Work
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July 14th, 2008 at 8:51 am
I’m a mom to two girls; so I can pretty much relate to what you are saying.
It is important that we do not live our dreams through our kids. In fact, this is very much in line with Buddhist teachings. I can see how easy it is for me to “persuade” them to take a certain path; but I know I should not. My role as a parent is merely to guide them, to give them love and support for their dreams; and not to tell them what dreams to pursue for.
I understand how you feel about being vulnerable. I do too sometimes. However, I tell myself to focus more on being in a state of appreciation for just being them everyday!
Evelyn
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Maps last blog post..Think Simple Now and Grow Rich
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July 14th, 2008 at 9:08 am
I am not a father, but I have four brothers who are, and my parents were amazing with me and my brothers. There’s always a very special bond between father and son (I for one know this because my relationship with my Dad is great).
I am not sure if you can really make sure that your children don’t fall into these dangerous paths. Remember one thing - they have free will, and they will make their decisions on their own. The best you can do is teach them to differentiate between right and wrong, and teach them that you and your wife are their best friends, and that no matter how stupid a decision they make, you will ALWAYS love them.
That’s my 2 cents
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July 14th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Peter:
As you know, I have a bias to philosophy, specifically to the importance of self-awareness. One of the primary components of self-awareness is emotional intelligence. I am certainly no child psychologist but, as you also know, I am a father of two young boys…
As a philosopher and a father (and an avid reader of various media), I have observed that most, if not all, problems with young people, especially teenagers, is emotionally driven.
As the brain develops, adolescents begin to feel emotions for the first time. Do you recall your first broken heart? Your first trophy or reward? The first death of a loved one? Emotions are difficult to manage, to say the least, for adults. Just imagine how difficult they are for teenagers and young children…
What I submit to you and your readers is that children must be taught emotional intelligence. Teaching them right from wrong is wise but that does not prepare them for devastating feelings and will not go far in preventing a suicide. Emotional intelligence is not suppressing emotion but recognizing them and even embracing them as the natural course of things…
Here is what I believe children should know, at least before the age of 10:
There is value in losing; there will be days when nothing goes right; overwhelming feelings (happy and sad) are temporary; there is a meaning for suffering but sometimes we have to wait to discover it; learn to recognize the various feelings (fear, greed, joy, sadness, apathy, self-doubt) and what those feelings can do for or against you…
What is especially important with boys is that they should be encouraged to show their emotion. There is absolutely nothing wrong with crying or showing affection, which are both commonly discouraged in boys in our society. There is almost nothing worse than a boy who is taught to repress his feelings…
When your boy shows extreme emotions, do not yell at him. Recognize that he is upset and ask him what he is feeling. Be sympathetic with his feelings and let him know that his feelings are justified and that it is OK to let those feelings flow naturally and that those feelings will pass. Once they have passed, demonstrate to the boy that the feelings have, in fact, passed and that this is the natural course of his feelings…
Also, allow your boys to be present when you and your wife have heated arguments, especially if you and your wife are able to resolve your differences. Children need to see that problems are normal but learning how to resolve differences is quite achievable…
Above all, remember that one of the best things a father can do for his son is to love his mother…
“Do not worry that your child is not listening to you. Worry that your child is watching you.” ~ unknown author
Regards…
Kent (The Financial Philosopher)
The Financial Philosophers last blog post..Delusion, ‘Non-Bottom Callers’ & The Afflictions of the Investor’s Mind
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July 14th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Hello Peter,
Nice post, and I can relate — I have both a girl and a boy, both very young.
I was aware of the concept of “not make your children live your dream.” But I recently realized that that is not the same thing as not having any expectations for them at all.
Specifically, here are some expectations I have of my children:
-becoming a contributing citizen of the world
-finding and pursuing careers/vocations/life-work they find meaningful
-not becoming a drug addict
-not getting pregnanet or getting anyone else pregnant during teenage years
I think that as parents we should identify these expectations, make them known to our children, and make sure we ourselves abide by them. If they defy your expectations and rules, let them know that they have — no mistakes, errors or wrong decisions will make them unlovable in my eyes (unless one turns out to be an unapologetically hateful serial-killer/rapist), but there are definitely wrong things for them to do.
Kids do have free will, but if you communicate your expectations, stay involved in their lives, and love them unconditionally — the chances of them knowingly committing grave judgment errors will be pretty minimal.
Not all good people make good parents. But great parents tend to raise great kids. Have confidence.
ari
Ari Koinums last blog post..How I Healed My Damaged Self-Esteem
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July 14th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Being a kid it feels kind of weird reading what the father of another child has to say.
As I grew up I did a few sports and did a school play or two. What made me feel different from the rest of the kids was that my parents did not have enough time to go to anything. Any of my wrestling matches, spelling bee, school play.
Then I saw other kids with their parents screaming at the top of their lungs when their kid did something right, or good. My parents, were at work when I did something just as good, or better.
Funny enough not having my parents there make me work harder.
K. P.s last blog post..The IQ Archives
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July 14th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Hi Peter,
Very strong post (in content).
You have touched the fundamentals.
From my experience:
First,imposing my left out dreams on my son(25 months),(mostly men will do this).While discussing with my wife,i will tell her,my son should be a district collector(just like a mayor) one time.other time,i would become a business mogul,so he can do M.B.A and just simply take care of our companies.But my wife always said,we shouldn’t impose our ideas and let him follow his own dreams.so one of the parents should do the balancing act.
second,make sure,both the parents living hormoniously.Be there for the kids all the time(atleast one of them).Leading from the front always helps as the roll models for kids are their parents first.
As parents,we have a moral responsibility to give our best to the kids.It is not bad to do some minor compromises with your partner so that divorce cases can be reduced.It becomes complex,psycologically for the kids,if their parents live separately which leads to indulge in bad activities.
Have normal expectations from kids like:
1.Kids should help others in need.
2.Kids should be leaders who can transform and lead others,making a positive change.
I think,there is a strong possibilty to avoid the vulnerability if we teach,coach,be a friend,cultivate good habits like reading,sports and lead from the front.
Thanks for sharing.
Best Wishes,
Kannan Viswagandhi
http://www.growing-self.blogspot.com
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July 14th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
In his book ‘Awaken The Giant Within’, Anthony Robbins has shared an interesting story about how he ensured his kids stayed away from drugs. He took his kids on a trip to show what use of drugs can do to a person in real - in extreme. While the exposure was horrible at that time for the kids, they associated so much pain to drugs that they decided to not to even try them any time.
Avani-Mehtas last blog post..Mind Power to Overcome Anxiety And Be Stress Free
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July 14th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Peter -
This is truly a sad story. I do personally believe that few things are vital for our children’s bright future.
1) Strong marriage is the foundation - Without this foundation, things start shaky.
2) One of the parents shall spend a bulk of the time with children even if it takes sacrifice - In my case, my wife spends bulk of the time with my two daughters. They have a friendly bond which allows them to exchange feelings freely and also it allows my wife to understand their teenage issues.
A great deal to learn from this tragic story. Thank you for sharing.
Shilpan
Shilpan | successsoul.coms last blog post..7 Habits to Master the Art of Winning against the Odds
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July 14th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Hi Peter,
Powerful post. I had to kinda let it sink in after reading it.
My parents were also divorced, and I’m very much scared about following the same pattern with my own marriage. I can honestly say I’m happily married now, but supposedly the odds are not on my side based on my family history. I’m determined to beat the odds though.
I think what you’ve done was important. You’ve actively and honestly recognized you want to be a great father as well as a great husband. I believe honesty and communication is what is needed to keep family relationships thriving. I can’t say I know based on my own upbringings, but so far it’s working in my marriage, and something in me tells me that if I keep up the honest communication, I won’t mess things up.
Good luck with finding the secrets of being a good dad!
Al at 7Ps last blog post..Which Superhero Blockbuster Movie Are You?
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July 15th, 2008 at 2:27 am
Make sure your children find a mentor / role-model who is approachable. Also be prepared to accept the fact that one day your children will look up to some one more than they do you. I’m only 20, but more than once I’ve felt like giving up and just becoming another cog in the machine. I didn’t thanks to a number of mentors (mostly school and college teachers) who have helped me see a better path. Unfortunately my parents were always a little over-cautious, but that’s ok because I know I can search for my place in the world without fear (at least for the time being).
basus last blog post..Book Review: Beginning Ubuntu Linux Third Edition
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July 15th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Good points Basu. I have had a similar experience so far in my 20’s. Rather than my parents, it has been a couple of mentors who have helped me tremendously with finding my direction in the past few years.
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July 15th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Thanks Al. Given the high divorce rates and my own experience, I take a very realistic approach to marriage. That is, any marriage - not matter how strong it appears to be - can fall apart. I think this is very important to recognize because, rather than living in a “happy la-la land” where divorce is only something that only happens to other people, I can see the need to work hard to maintain a happy and loving relationship.
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July 15th, 2008 at 11:22 am
That is actually quite a good suggestion. I have done my fair share of “experimenting” in the past, and one thing that is obvious is that many of the negatives to taking drugs are not immediately obvious. If kids can get a firsthand look at the damage they can do, and indeed begin to associate drugs with pain, I can see that being effective.
ps - I keep meaning to read that book. It seems to have been a major influence on a number of people.
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July 15th, 2008 at 11:35 am
KP,
An interesting thing I have found about becoming a parent is that it has made me see my parents in a different light - both the good and the bad. Thankfully I have very loving parents who have always made time for me. It really saddens me to hear your story of not having your parents, but I would make the point that when you become a parent you have the opportunity to do things differently and, given your experience, I believe you will.
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July 15th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Ari,
That is a very good point and I agree 100%. I have always felt the expectations of my parents on me, and I believe this has been a positive influence on my life. For example, they worked very hard to send me to one of the top schools where I am from and therefore expected me to take my education seriously.
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July 15th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Kent,
I haven’t done much reading on emotional intelligence, but your comment has convinced me that it one of the keys, if not the key, to raising happy, healthy and confident children.
A personal example: up to about the age of 12 I had no problem in showing my emotions. Then when I hit high school (years 8-12 in Australia) I have some very vivid memories of being teased and tormented for showing emotion. Guess what? It was repressed. And anyone who is familiar with my story will know it is these years that really messed me about and had me deeply depressed.
Thank you for sharing your advice - I really appreciate it.
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July 15th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Raul,
Thank you for your 2 cents - it is much appreciated
Like you, I have a very strong relationship with my Dad. In fact he is visiting from Australia at the moment for a few weeks which I am really enjoying. He isn’t perfect (what parent is?), but overall he has provided a great example and has always been there when I need him.
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July 15th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Great post, Peter. It reminds me of Dr Benjamin Spock who said, “Responsible adults don’t make children. Children make responsible adults.”
I agree with Shilpan that spending time with children is important. I took 10 years out from work to be home with my daughter, and we did a lot of things as a family. We bought some land up in the mountains and grew gardens and fruit trees and built sheds, barbed wire fences, and even a tractor from a kit. So we not only had that experience of working together on projects, my daughter also learned valuable skills.
She lost all of her friends in the 8th grade because they went on drugs and she wouldn’t try them. She was too afraid of disappointing her parents.
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July 15th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
PS You talk in terms of dreams. We never focused on that. Our emphasis was on enjoying the simple things in everyday life, including working, and being considerate and helpful to others. She now has a Ph.D. in psychobiology and is doing research in discovering new medicines. That’s fine, but the thing that blows me away is what thoughtful people she and her husband are. I touched on that at in one of my posts.
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July 15th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Peter:
If you have not read it yet, please read “Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ,” by Daniel Goleman. In fact anything and everything by Daniel Goleman is outstanding. In fact, Daniel Goleman is active in bringing emotional intelligence and self-awareness programs to children…
Regards,
Kent
The Financial Philosophers last blog post..Delusion, ‘Non-Bottom Callers’ & The Afflictions of the Investor’s Mind
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July 15th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Thanks for recommendation Kent. I’m on Amazon now checking it out. I also notice he is co-author of a book called “Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child” [**edit: actually he is not a co-author, just wrote the foreword]. Both look very interesting.
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July 17th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
What a powerful and true realization to have — that you have all the potential you see in your Sons. I have one Son, and I empathize with your feelings. I also, so clearly see all the possibilities that lay ahead for my Son, and yet for no good reason, I have limited myself many times in life.
I think we should all take up your challenge.
Cheers,
John
John Rocheleau - Zen-Momentss last blog post..Freeze-Framed Relationships
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