How to Build the Confidence Habit
Photo by Andy C
“If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” ~ Vincent Van Gogh
We are all beset with doubts sometimes. Even the most self-assured and successful people can be unsure of themselves. Some people are clearly more confident than others, though. To what extent this is ‘nature’ and ‘nurture’ is unclear, though I suspect that ‘nurture’ has a lot to do with it. I’ve seen my own confidence wax and wane over the years, and external factors have certainly played a part. Some signs that you might be lacking somewhat in confidence are:
- Thinking that other people are better than you
- Expecting the worst outcome
- Engaging in negative self-talk
- Feeling the need to justify your behavior to others
- Overreacting to criticism
- Not having many friends or avoiding social situations
- Body language that is defensive and closed.
If you have some of these traits, perhaps you need to consider building more confidence. Can this be done? I think it’s clear is that confidence, like most other traits, can be developed. Like a muscle, with training and in time, it can become strong and powerful. To put it another way: confidence is a habit – confidence begets confidence. Here are some training ideas to develop this most important of habits.
Make friends with your failings and limitations
This is a key area. Obviously, you are not perfect – far from it. So long as you are challenging yourself, stepping out of your comfort zone and seeking to develop, you will be making mistakes. The mistakes are signs of growth and nothing to be ashamed of.. Confident people are comfortable in their own skin, happy with themselves in all their imperfection. They have nothing to prove.
Don’t be pushy or aggressive
Confidence can manifest itself in many different ways, and sometimes there is a visibly assertive quality to it, but there is also a quieter and more restrained confidence. When you meet a confident person, you tend to pick up that the person is happy with himself and feels comfortable in her own skin. Confidence does not mean aggressive, pushy, loud or superior, which is often a sign of over-compensation for some kind of inferiority complex.
Don’t be defensive
Listening to and acting on criticism is an important part of being confident. It is often very hard for us to be objective about ourselves, and other people can give us great insights into our strengths and weaknesses. Of course, we have to be critical about the things that people tell us, not falling into credulity and taking everything they say at face value. But the insights afforded by others can be very valuable. If people laugh at you or attack you, this probably says more about them than about you. Insecure people often try to cover up their feelings of inadequacy by falling into such behaviors.
Do what you believe to be right
Confident people tend to rely on an internal guidance system to keep them going along the right track, whereas those with less confidence can be buffeted around by other people’s opinions and agendas. Having an inner compass is an essential part of living assertively and confidently, and following the compass can sometimes mean having to take risks. But without risk, there is no growth.
Set challenging goals
Confident people tend to live in a more conscious and deliberate way, setting goals for themselves. They are secure enough to tolerate failure, and are comfortable with not getting things right first time. If we are not growing, then we are falling back – there is always movement. As we challenge ourselves, our comfort zone grows, and this growth often involves the pain of failure. This pain is too much for insecure people to bear. But to confident people, failure is only a stepping-stone, not the destination. Success, for confident people, is inevitable. It’s only a matter of time.
Keep a record of your achievements
It is common for people with limited self-confidence to compare themselves unfavorably with others. Such people may assume that others are ‘better’ and have achieved more, so it can be very helpful to make a list of achievements. If you do this, you may find that the list is longer than you thought. Imagine what you would think if this were a list of someone else’s achievements. Would you be impressed? Would you think highly of that person?
Learn to be optimistic
People who lack self-confidence are often pessimistic about the future and tend to think the worst. It’s important to replace negative, self-defeating mental chatter with upbeat, positive self-talk. All day long, thoughts are swirling around inside our head and we need to be conscious about this. Such self awareness isn’t easy, but with some gentle persistence you can become more aware of your thoughts and, when you catch yourself thinking in a negative way, replace the thought with something more positive. Examples of negative thinking are: exaggerating the negative aspects of things, taking things personally, feeling you are being blamed for things or feeling like a victim, to name just a few. Simply being aware of negative thinking modalities can be a great help in overcoming them. When you catch yourself thinking in such negative ways, try to replace the thought with something more self-affirming.
Take a balanced approach
The benefits of confidence are clear but, as with most things, too much of it can be unhealthy. Over-confidence, which can lead to errors of judgment and under-performance, is dangerous and should be guarded against. Confidence is about getting the balance right.
Relax
Confident people are more relaxed, happier and enjoy situations, however challenging, a lot more than those with low self-esteem, trusting that they can deal with whatever problems and challenges might arise. If you fail, if you get it all wrong, it won’t be the end of the world. If you’re tense and worried about how you’re being perceived, your energy is being wasted – it’s not going into the matter at hand. So let go, take the focus of attention off yourself, relax and enjoy the ride.
“Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale
The benefits of being confident are clear: you’ll be happier, more relaxed and probably healthier. You’ll use time more effectively because you won’t be worrying endlessly about other people’s opinions, and you’ll have a clearer sense of purpose, so you’ll be a lot more effective. Confidence, in a sense, is the key to happiness and fulfillment.
“What a fool am I, thus to lie in a stinking dungeon, when I may as well walk at liberty! I have a key in my bosom, called Promise, that will, I am persuaded, open any lock in Doubting Castle.” ~ John Bunyan
Author bio: Mark Harrison writes at Effortless Abundance. Check out his latest book, Thirty Days to Change Your Life.
You might also like:
- How to Become Comfortable in Your Own Skin
- How To Be Kind To Yourself
- How to Grow Outside Your Comfort Zone
Peter recommends:
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20 Comments
January 25th, 2010 at 8:21 am
Mark, your post got me at hello. I mean, the title
Because confidence is a habit and it takes practice. You don’t just wake up one morning and you’re confident, you don’t become confident just because you decided to. Even if we wish we did. It’s about repetition, reinforcement and having some fun with it.
Eduard
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January 25th, 2010 at 9:32 am
I identify with the first two. I fall into someone else is better and expecting the worst outcome. I comes from comparing myself to others. Only causes pain. The other from fear. THanks for the inspiration!
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January 25th, 2010 at 10:44 am
Mark,
This was a very insightful article and got me thinking. It’s so hard not to be defensive and take things personally when you are out there blogging and people can take shots at you. We can always try to react better though. Strive to be better the next time…
Having a list of your achievements and reviewing them is something that I personally do when my self-confidence is low.
Great article.
Thanks,
Karen
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January 25th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
Nice post and excellent use of quotes. I have to agree with the benefits of being confident – you’re spot on. I can definitely see the difference from when I had no confidence to my current state.
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January 26th, 2010 at 12:22 am
Make friends with your failings and limitations,I love this sentance. I am going through one of biggest challenges in my life.It is so hard for me to accept the failures. once I read this article, I feel much more comfortable. Now I feel much better.Thank you Mark. I hope that I cld meet u in HK one day. Love your blog.this is my first comment here. Cindy
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January 26th, 2010 at 8:17 am
Great post, Mark. A lack of confidence often has to do with fear for whatever you are afraid of. Loving yourself and accepting yourself can greatly improve confidence. I look forward to more posts like this!
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January 26th, 2010 at 10:57 am
Hi Mark .. what an interesting post – becoming confident is knowing that you can’t possibly do it all and if we know this – then we can ask for help as and when we need it .. then we learn as we go and accept failures are learning areas too ..
Thank you – Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
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January 26th, 2010 at 3:25 pm
Being optimistic is the far best for me. ‘I didn’t study as much as I should, but I can still make it’ when you say that, you are optimistic and you actually are going to believe it. Because you are you, you can do it. Confidence is great.
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January 27th, 2010 at 9:03 am
This is great! My “word” for 2010 is confidence. So the shift to seeing confidence as a habit definitely works well for me. Building it day by day is the way to go!
I totally relate to some of the first few “issues” that some might experience if they aren’t feeling confident. The good thing is that it is possible to change. I personally love writing down achievements and successes since it keeps building upon itself.
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January 27th, 2010 at 9:54 am
Confidence is a habit, thanks for sharing this post!
One thing I have learned, is that your input is your output,
meaning that to have confidence you need to have strong,
positive, confident thoughts. “As a man thinketh, so he is”
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January 27th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Confidence is a choice. Uncertainty can create anxiety and fear but it can also offer opportunity and possibilities. Uncertainty can be managed with self-awareness: Knowing and understanding that the human brain seeks safety allows for an individual to mindfully resist the temptation to turn away from categorization, rationalization, biases, preconceived notions, and conventional thought — to break away from the self-defeating “comfort zone.”
“The crowd is untruth.” ~ Soren Kierkegaard
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January 28th, 2010 at 9:34 pm
Well, this is a very nice and in-depth post about confidence, and I think that it is right on for the most part. I struggle with confidence often, as I suffer from social anxiety disorder, and even though it’s not perfect, I can see many of the differences described by you, Mark. Keeping a positive attitude is very difficult, especially if you go into the same situation repeatedly and don’t have the outcome you desire. It’s hard to gain any footing sometimes. Sometimes, I have found that I have to look at even the smallest improvement as something to be appreciated in order to keep up my motivation. Great post overall though!
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January 30th, 2010 at 3:14 am
nice one mark
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January 30th, 2010 at 4:40 am
I am a pessimist at heart and feel that finding the right crowd of optimists who are willing to open their hearts and interests and lives to me and allow me to do the same will help me even more to be happier and find my self confidence.
Good post!
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January 30th, 2010 at 7:05 am
Ack! I suck at not being defensive. Any recommendations?
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February 2nd, 2010 at 2:29 am
I find with confidence that you have to slowly build it. Just do something slightly out of your comfort zone each day and progress from there. Before you know it you will be looking back amazed.
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February 2nd, 2010 at 9:30 pm
Great post! I love the idea of keeping a record of your achievements. I take it even further by keeping a record of all the good in my life. Each day I write down a list of things that are going right for me and it really helps me to keep life in perspective.
On a day when you have to make a speech and your clothes aren’t fitting right, it’s easy to forget all the other wonderful things about yourself. Taking a moment to look for the good and jot it down really works wonders for me.
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February 16th, 2010 at 3:55 am
Relax and do your work if you are busy with the work, don’t be panic.
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