Building Positive Friendships: Modern Tools & Old-Fashioned Self-Understanding
Photo by exrorro
By Ruth Harrison Moody
“How can someone you’ve never met possibly be considered a friend?” This challenge was posed to an old friend of mine, one who has “been there” for me in person in years past and now stays in touch via the internet. But can it actually work the other way round? Can we make “real friends” through technology, meeting them in person only later, if at all? Are the friends we make through non-traditional means actually “real friends”?
Modern technology has changed almost every aspect of life, and so it’s no small thing to consider: What exactly is a friend? What types of friends do I want? Who are my real friends? The answers deserve careful thought and reflection. No two people are going to come up with exactly the same definitions, filters and requirements. Whether we consciously know it or not, we all have a set of rules and definitions for friendship.
These rules are so much a part of us that we may get knocked for a loop when our “friends” do things that violate our rules—which may or may not be *their* rules. So how do you sort out it all out? In building a positive life, friendship can be one of the best parts of our world. It’s worth taking the time to understand our own minds and hearts. The best place to start is by taking the time to get to know what the terms “friend” and “friendship” mean to each of us.
Self-Understanding
While there are no right or wrong answer to these questions, knowing your answers will help you build the friendships and the kind of life you want:
- What makes a good and true friend?
- How should they treat me?
- How should I treat them?
- What do they need to do or be before I trust them with my time, my possessions, and my private business?
- Are they a friend if we don’t meet or spend time in the old-fashioned way?
Many friendships grow over time in terms of trust and intimacy. You can wind up being friends with someone that may not register when you first meet them. Friendship can sneak up on you, surprise you after years of acquaintance, and become much more than you ever expected. Others are almost instantaneous bond. There’s no set pattern, but if take the time to learn what you need to get and give in friendships, your chances of cultivating positive and lasting ones are all the stronger.
Communication
There are many different types of friends that we might have in the course of a lifetime. Each holds the potential to enhance our lives and allow us to enhance theirs. Above all else, friends of every sort and level are cultivated with communication of some kind.
Within our world of technological marvels, there are more and better tools for meeting people, sharing interests, and making friends of all sorts than ever before. Whatever shape our friendships take, they’re brought to life and sustained with communication.
It may take only a few words, a good deed, or single shared grimace to bring a friendship into being that will last a lifetime. Or it may be the work of many years and conversations, and countless hours over equally countless cups of coffee. The method is much less important than the quality of that communication. There are as many ways to make friends and keep them as there are people in this world. Your mileage will vary.
We do take a risk when we trust, whether it’s in person or via technology. There are always going to be those who would take advantage of our generosity and capacity for friendship. Still, it’s a risk that I consider well worth the gamble. There are basic precautions to be taken with any new relationship—or even existing ones. A good dose of sensibility goes a long way, but that being said—there’s a whole world of people to discover. And you never can tell where the friends you just haven’t met yet are going to be found.
Are Internet Friends ‘Real’ Friends?
So to answer the challenge posed earlier: I would have to say—- speaking for me and my definitions—absolutely! Someone that I have never once looked upon with my own eyes can be a good and true friend. I can and do have wonderful friends that I’ve never met in person and might never in this life. The joy that they bring is just as special as the joy that I get from the friends that live across town.
Can it be rightly said “That it’s not the same thing?” Of course it can—but then I don’t expect every friendship to be a carbon copy of every other. Everybody who has earned the title of “friend” in my life had earned it for unique reasons, under unique circumstances, each as individual as the person involved. Every relationship that deserves the crowning title of “friendship” is going to have its own particulars. So if the method of meeting and communication isn’t one my grandmother had at her disposal, then it’s just one more really cool thing about living when we do.
So, sit down by the fire some night, brew a hot cup of tea, and treat yourself to the positive experience of defining your own terms and kicking around a few questions on the nature of friendship for yourself. And who knows, maybe a friend will want in on the conversation — and whether they join you in person, by phone or other techno-marvel, revel in their company.
What makes a good and true friend? Are the friends you make through non-traditional means actually “real friends”? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!
About the author: this post was written by Ruth Harrison Moody.
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11 Comments
March 17th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Great article Ruth, I’m happy to have read (and written) several other articles on the subject of friends lately, it’s a topic so important to us all, yet often overlooked. I like how you outline that we each need to know our own model for friendships, that’s the cool thing about them, they are each so personal.
I too have many people I’ve never met in life yet I would definitely consider them friends and I’d be happy to meet with them in person should the opportunity be there. One thing I’ve used to define a friend is if you are willing to spend your own time with that person, in whatever form, simply for the sake of spending time with them, no alterior motive or personal gain. If I can say that about person, I’d certainly consider them my friend. It’s simply about enjoying time spent together and doing whatever fits that friendship, to each there own.
Thanks for the great article!
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March 17th, 2009 at 10:40 am
I think people can have internet friends just as people have surely had friends via snail mail before the invention of the internet.
I agree with Mike. As long as you enjoy spending time with a person without obligation or personal gain, you should consider them a friend. I would go a step further. People that I consider friends, I have no problems doing favors for them. In fact, I enjoy doing things for people I consider to be friends and family.
Friends are the family you choose. I think I saw that quote on a candle holder at a Hallmark store. It feels a bit cheesy coming from a Hallmark store, but I like the quote.
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March 17th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Thanks for this post. I like the theme of consciously choosing how you define friendship, rather than worrying about whether you have “enough” friends or the “right” friends by other people’s definition, which is a recipe for suffering it seems many people buy into.
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March 17th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
A great article and something that I have pondered over myself over they years. Although I used to say you could not be friends with online buddies, I now know that this is not the case at all. Just like anything in life it is all about change, and technology has now allowed us the opportunity of so many new friends to be had.
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March 17th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
I agree that being friends is a state of mind rather that bearing particular attributes. I would like to pay attention what attributes may describe somebody as a e-friend.
I think that if somebody may share beliefs, interests, strugles or any other intersections and willing to communicate in an open and positive way may be considered as a friend. What do you think?
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March 17th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Hi Ruth,
The internet makes it easier for us to know more people and maybe more friends but the people online only become our friends when we make regular contact and feel good about them. I am also really grateful as the internet has helped me to meet people that is located at halfway around the world.
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
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March 17th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Hi Ruth .. that’s a good post – I like the way I’ve connected with people .. whom I’d describe as friends .. who offer me support at a difficult time, come back and see how I’m doing .. as they’re online .. & they’re probably more in touch with me than my ‘old’ friends .. & perhaps have experienced similar challenges to my own: & so understand.
It is common sense and finding like minded people .. as we communicate on line – we can get a ‘feel’ of the contact .. we can befriend a number, but almost certainly will only relate to ‘a few’ who actually become proper friends over the years, we’ll know the others over the years as we’ll be following them & keeping in touch but probably not as friends.
Good post .. Thanks – Hilary: Be Positive Be Happy
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March 18th, 2009 at 5:35 am
“There are no strangers in this world; just friends we have not met”.
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March 18th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Great article Ruth!
Friendship is a topic that has been on my mind the past year or so. Moving from a Australia to Canada has meant two things for me: 1) communication with old friends is now almost solely online; and 2) I have had to form new “in the flesh” friends. In regards to the former, I’m very appreciate of the tools of modern technology (email, facebook, etc). In regards to the latter, it hasn’t been that easy to be honest, mainly because I’m fairly introverted and don’t have a lot of free time. But I’m working on it
Lastly, in regards to the question “are internet ‘real’ friends?” I think you’ve nailed the answer. I think in the past there was a certain stigma associated with having friends online that you had never met in the flesh. These days everyone is online, and imo only the closed minded would try to argue that internet friends can’t be ‘real’ friends.
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March 19th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Hi Ruth,
I agree with Vincent, I’m very grateful for many friendships I’ve made with people I completely resonate with. Most of them down south or overseas.
I always allow my intuition to guide me towards meeting the right people online and off!
~Ryan
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March 22nd, 2009 at 9:51 pm
This is a great article. I have thought about this a lot lately. I have found that the people I have met online are sometimes more supportive than my friends/family in real life. This scares me. I do not want to lose sight of having real contact. I often wonder how to build the relationships in real life like the ‘supporter’ or ‘followers’ that I have online.
I just wrote a post on my blog about this and am curious how other writer’s feel about who supports them the most.
Love this blog BTW!!
p.s. my mom’s name is Ruth.
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