How to Rescue Your Life from Worry
If you read last Friday’s article, you will know that I had a bit more than usual happening this weekend just gone. The concert and snowshoeing were both fantastic, but I then found myself halfway through the weekend with no idea as to what to write for this article. Yes, I know - worrying about a blog article is fairly sad. But it did remind me of how in my mid to late teens my mind was constantly cluttered with an endless assortment of worries.
Back in high school I was a chronic worrier. Am I ugly? Will I ever have sex? What are people saying about me? These were just a few of the stupid things I worried about that seemed so important at the time, but at the end of the day really didn’t matter. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who has worried about this stuff.
These days I can safely say that, for the most part, I don’t worry very often. And when I do, I know how to control it. Since worry is no longer a destructive force in my life, I feel that I have, in a sense, “rescued” my life from it. So let’s have a look at how you can do the same thing.
Understanding Worry
The first step to reclaiming your life from worry is to understand it. And here is the first big idea in this article: not all worry is bad. I find that sometimes I need a kick up the bum to make me take action. For example, a little bit of worry about this blog article prompted me to start brainstorming and get writing. Also, I have observed how other people have benefited from worrying about their health because it led them to make positive changes in their life, such as to quit smoking, drink less alcohol and exercise more. You might say, then, that worry can be productive when it is focused on a realistic problem and where it generates clear specific steps to solve it.
That said, most of the time worry is unproductive because it:
- Does not lead to any clear course of action.
- Focuses on an unlikely event, for example a plane crash or a terrorist attack.
It is important to make something clear here: unproductive worry can be incredibly destructive. As a teenager, I personally experienced how this type of worry negatively impacts how you think, behave, feel and relate to others. So lets have a look at some specific techniques I have found useful in handling unproductive worry:
Self-Monitoring
Self-monitoring is a simple, but very powerful, technique that can lead to positive changes in behavior. Basically it involves increasing your awareness of your thoughts and actions. I was a chronic nail-biter in my younger days, and as anyone who has ever been a nail-biter will know often you aren’t even aware that you are biting them. Once I made a point to start closely monitoring my thoughts and behaviors, I would often “catch myself in the act” as I was going bite them. Slowly but surely I was able to stop this habit.
Rethinking Uncertainty
For many people, uncertainty is a major cause of worry. I remember back in high school worrying because I had no idea what career path I wanted to follow. I ended up studying a combined Bachelor of Commerce/ Bachelor of Arts. This was a good choice, but by the end of it I still wasn’t any closer to knowing what I wanted to do in terms of a career (hence I took off traveling for a year). The difference, however, was that at the end of my university studies my uncertainty did not cause me to worry. In fact, I came to appreciate uncertainty because I realized giving up the need to always know can make life vibrant and exciting.
Getting Organized and Managing Your Time
A major cause of worry is being unorganized and using your time poorly. For me, reading David Allen’s Getting Things Done was a revelation because he described an ideal state where the mind is clear and constructive things are happening. In this ideal state, you will have a “mind like water”:
“Imagine throwing a pebble into a still pond. How does the water respond? The answer is, totally appropriately to the force and mass of the input; then it returns to calm. It doesn’t overreact or underreact.”
The way to attain this ideal state is to get organized (using a system such as GTD) and become brilliant at managing your time. I recently wrote about how I am doing these things in my article 17 Tips & Tricks for Being Organized, Staying Sane, and Getting Things Done.
Relaxing
If you feel yourself starting to worry, it is usually a good idea to slow down and relax. Sit still, do yoga, meditate, get a massage, focus on your breathing, take a holiday…. anything really that will help you unwind. Yes, it is important to be productive and get things done, but it is just as important to spend time relaxing and recharging your batteries.
Confronting Worry
Perhaps the worst response to worry is to be in denial about your worry and/ or avoid fixing the underlying problem. Unfortunately, however, it is human nature to avoid things that are unpleasant or that cause discomfort. So for this reason, it is extremely important to make sure you confront worry. Personally, I have had some things that I spent years worrying about because I was not prepared to confront them. And guess what? I later discovered there was no reason at all to worry. Never again will I push my worries under the carpet and hope they go away because the truth is they don’t.
Being Committed
I truly believe my advice in this article works, but it is time for a reality check: reclaiming your life from worry can be extremely hard. Once you have identified worry as a problem in your life and have started down the road to reclaiming your life from it, you must persist in keeping it under control. My awareness of worry and ability to control it did not happen overnight. Instead, it came as the result of consistent effort.
What about you? Do you have any special techniques for dealing with worry?
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14 Comments
February 25th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
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February 26th, 2008 at 4:57 am
Hi Peter,
Nice post.
I am reading two different books at the moment on worry and finding purpose in life. They show different approaches to handling worry. But both have value in what they espouse and it is interesting to see the different mindset approach to worry and it’s main cause, I feel anyway, in life is “what am I and where am I going”?
All that really matters is now. This has helped me immensely to forget my past failures and future worries etc.
Regards,
Cornelius
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February 26th, 2008 at 5:52 am
Hi Peter - this is a great post. It really echoes with what I’ve faced much in my own life. I’m susceptible to analysis-paralysis and spiral into deep worries and stress. You mention meditation - this is one of the best technique for me. It’s like hitting the reboot button when the computer is acting up.
I also learned to differentiate between things I can and cannot control. I’ve learned to not worry about things I cannot control, which freed me up to focus on things I can control and address them.
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February 26th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Peter, haha once I was a really a worrisome guy. I worried about everything anything… my job, my family, my relationship, … my whole life … I found as a responsible person of my life, some worries helped me to grow and take responsibility for my life. Yet, the process of being worried wasn’t great… you would feel so low and out of spirit for everything. Until today, I still cannot stop worrying about things in life … such as how can I get the most out of life before I die. ahhaha… that seems ridiculous but well …
I’m learning how to live a relaxed but responsible life. Who doesn’t?
Amos
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February 26th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Another really good post, Peter. If you decide not to pursue a writing career, perhaps you’ll become a shrink!
As the Serenity Prayer reminds us, it is important to distinguish between things we can control and things we can’t. I am dealing with this worry issue myself. Recently I was looking at what seemed to be two very different versions of myself. One was a confident world traveler; the other was fearful and wanted to hunker down in familiar settings only. As I reflected upon these two versions of myself, I became aware that they represent my before and after 9/11 selves. I see that this is true of many of my fellow Americans, particularly those of us who lived in proximity to the carnage or knew people who experienced the horrors of that day. We have become a fear-based people. I have noticed how entirely negative our news broadcasts are post-9/11. We expect disasters, and we are doing a very good job of meeting our own expectations. It takes constant awareness of what can be controlled and what cannot to avoid the paralysis that results from living in a continuous state of worry and fear.
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February 26th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Great post Peter. I think the biggest problem is when we’re worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, or are projected fears. They’re fears about things that aren’t even necessarily plausible or realistic. That’s a sure sign you know worry is taking over your life.
http://jonathanmead.com - Authenticity, Clarity, Balance
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February 26th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Hi Peter, Another GREAT post. My husband has a quote hanging in his TaeKwonDo Studio — we don’t know who said it but we reference it a lot “Worry is negative goal setting”. As a mom I think it is difficult sometimes not to worry about your kids and the future but I am getting better. When I find myself worrying I try and stop myself, recognize whether or not it is something even valid to worry about and if it is — try and come up with an action that will help it not be a worry. I grew up a “worry wart” and went to a “nervous nelly” and now am able to catch myself and for the most part am pretty relaxed. Thanks for another wonderful post — stumbled! Gratefully, Jenny
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February 27th, 2008 at 1:52 am
As a widow of ten months, worry is something that is very hard to negotiate with. My late hubby-an Aussie, BTW-was only 42 when he passed away from a swift and sudden heart attack. I used to have this wonderfully passionate and semi-worry free life; now I swing from worrying about everything to not giving a flip about anything. It’s quite the koan of my new exixtance. All the self help/happiness blogs don’t seem to adress loss through death at all when speaking about finding happiness. I would love to have happiness hover over me again, but sadly I know it will be a long time until that happens.
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February 28th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Hi Peter,
Sorry for the late reply but I have had some computer problems.
Dale Carnegie’s classic “How to stop worrying and start living” is very good for its simple straight forward approach. I bought it last year when having a tough time and had neglected not finishing it. You are right that living in the now without neglect for the future is exactly a good thing. So if we can be comfortable with what we are doing and understand that that is contributing to the future then it helps put things into perspective. The other is “The purpose of your life” which is a bit spiritual and very different in style and more focussed on purpose which encompasses our fears and desires etc.
Cheers..
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