Nothing Lasts, But Suffering Makes It Worse

Nothing Lasts, But Suffering Makes It Worse

The Buddha spoke of impermanence, that nothing lasts, and that failing to understand the real nature of impermanence means suffering. Most of us would agree that impermanence, or change, is a fact of life. If I ask if the weather, a river, or a mountain will always be the same, most will say no. If I ask if we as individuals will never change, again most will say no. But here is the rub. Our sensitivity to impermanence shows up in our attachments to wishing for the world to be other than it is, unchanging. We exist in a conflicted state where intellectually we understand that everything changes, and all things good or bad pass away, but emotionally we hold onto the things we like and push away the things we do not like. This creates suffering as we are buffeted back and forth by the winds of change, experiencing emotional turmoil as we try mightily to hold onto this and get rid of that, all to no avail.

Sadly, the more effort we apply to making the world unchanging, the more suffering we experience because the world goes on its merry way whether we like it or not. In our strong need to escape the change, we are like an animal caught in a net. The animal thrashes with increasing desperation in an effort to escape, only making the net tighter. Or think about going to get a shot at the doctor’s. Resistance, or tightening one’s muscles in anticipation of pain, causes the pain of the shot to be worse. We can resist what is, but there is a cost to us and to others. We generously export our inner troubles (the need for the world to be different than it is) to others, causing them to suffer.

Change upsets us on a number of levels, one of which is the Buddha’s profound existential challenge that we and all things are transient. Another is the pace and magnitude of societal change. And a third is the one that often gives us the most difficulty because of its frequency, our everyday bumps against reality. When we get attached to expectations about how the world should work and it does not conform to those expectations, we upset ourselves and we suffer. We try to resist what is. Common everyday dislocations include things like a condescending waiter, a person who nearly knocks us off the sidewalk, a letter from our credit card company asking what happened to our payment, or coming home from a trip to a swimming pool filled with algae (a personal “favorite” of mine which disturbs my equilibrium if I am not very careful).

Perhaps the most common activator of resistance to reality is the actions (or non actions) of other people. We want people to act as we desire them to, not as they often do. We may see the actions of others as obstructions to our wellbeing, and just as often seek to control them. But people do not like being controlled, and they will activate their own resistance, making everything considerably worse. Sadly, controlling others often takes unpleasant and disrespectful forms. Consider anger, sarcasm, dismissal, sulking, victim-hood, or guilt, which represent only a few of the many ways we may try to manipulate others into doing what we want. Suffering for us and for them.

Those of us looking for greater inner peace (most of us) must accept change, and one of the keys to this is being in the present moment. Being in the present moment allows us to stay with problematic thoughts, emotions and even actions, and not try to push them away. Being in the present moment allows us to understand fully what we are experiencing, and to “control” unhelpful reactions, particularly resistance. As with all problematic reactions, we can settle into equanimity more easily by acknowledging the reactions and not becoming attached to ridding ourselves of them. Simply “being” with those reactions helps us on the path to inner peace because we give them no power to affect us, no hold on us. Simply observing and making no judgments about the reactions becomes the same as saying, “Ah, the wind is up.” We have observed the wind and then we easily move our thoughts elsewhere. Observing but not hanging onto the reaction we have to, say, an irate client exactly the way we observe the wind is what inner peace is about. If we can do it for the wind, we can do it for the irate client. Everything depends on acceptance of change and practice, endless practice.

Most of us know at least intuitively that not all change is created equal. The following quote from Irene Peter, an American epigrammatist, makes a wonderful connection with subtle paradox: “Just because everything is different doesn’t mean that anything has changed.” Can something have changed and not changed? It depends on the level at which we examine the issue.

I once did consulting work for a large non-profit organization. I was hired to assist top management in reorganizing much of upper management so that operations would be more efficient. I developed a suggested structure, with managers changing positions, reporting requirements, and acquiring new titles. Top management implemented my ideas. I was called back about 6 months later and told that my idea had not worked at all and to figure out why. Managers I interviewed told me that changes had been made at one level, the superficial one of who reported to whom and who had what title. But the changes needed at a deeper level, the ones that would produce greater efficiency, had not happened. Things looked different, but the way business was done had not changed. I misunderstood the level at which I should have been helping the organization. The superficial change had masked a deeper set of behavioral problems, and changing the former did nothing to address the latter. I fell into the trap of not being aware of the level of real change the organization was looking for.

We can fall into a similar trap in our self-generated change, particularly that connected to inner peace. We may pursue inner peace by reading books, meditating, attending seminars, or listening to wise masters, which is one level of looking for inner change. But if these efforts are not accompanied by hard work and discipline, the more demanding level of the search for inner peace, we will not move forward. The trap occurs when we mistake the level at which we need to be working, seeing one thing, the inputs, and actually looking for another, the outcome of real inner peace. We may think we are making progress toward inner peace, but mostly our efforts will result in the appearance of change and not the real thing. This illusion has its own cost.

Accepting the inevitability of change is part of the path to inner peace. But perhaps even more important in moving to inner peace is accepting that change is also unavoidable. Nothing lasts, not good and not bad, and there is nothing we can do about that impermanence. Our resistance efforts to retain the good and push away the bad are futile. They provide us with only the momentary illusion of success, of keeping the change at bay. Our inability to have much of an impact on the change usually means we are beset with frustration and fear. Sadly, we not only share our negative emotions with others, we also share the suffering that accompanies that. Acceptance in the Buddha’s sense is the only healthy way to “deal” with change. Where possible, action is fine. We simply cannot be attached to the action or to the outcome, no matter how much energy we put into our effort. Trying hard is not a problem until it becomes a “must have” outcome.

Photo by h.koppdelaney

Larry Wharton

Larry Wharton provides assistance to individuals and families seeking greater inner peace. His book, Inner Peace: A Manual for Living in Turbulent Times, will be available shortly. He also consults with organizations in the area of leader behavior and offers guidance in moving organizations and their staffs to higher productivity through greater inner peace. His organizational web site is: www.wiseleadership.com. Larry’s guiding principle is that everyone is capable of gaining more inner peace, but it requires changed views of the world, of themselves, and of their connection with others. Lastly, even those changed views are not enough; continuous practice is the vehicle bringing those new views to fruition.

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15 Comments

  1. I love it! Change is a part of life and without change we wouldn’t be living.

    Change is actually what drives me to succeed. I have 2 little kids (daughter 2, son 0.5) and they change SO quickly. If I’m not careful I will miss them growing up.

    This change (that I cannot stop) forces me into action and that is why I work hard in my job and that is why I work hard on my blog also.

    Thanks for the great post

    Reply
  2. Hi Larry great post. The struggle is the way, Jesus modeled it. The real challenge is attachment. As Buddha says the uprooting of sorrow is letting go of attachment to desire, so suffer we must. Even the neuro-scientists are saying change is pain. Hopefully its taking us somewhere, less attachment to the dualities in life and compassion becomes easier
    Thanks for you honest thoughts

    Reply
  3. Thank you, Larry. This is the best piece of “guidance” that I’ve read in a long time. The labels of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ cause us a lot of stress because, like you said, we cling to one and try to get away from the other. Instead, it really is all the same. It’s all just Change.

    Reply
  4. I learnt from my teacher that pain is inevitable, but Buddha says suffering is by choice. we don’t have to suffer really…

    Noch Noch

    Reply
    • Noch Noch: My view precisely. The message that suffering is optional is so powerful that I devote an entire chapter to it: The Choice of Inner Peace of Suffering. People may think that pain is the same as suffering, but I do not think so. Pain, emotional, physical, spiritual, is a fact of life. It becomes suffering when we “must have” a different outcome.

      Reply
  5. Ironically we seek permanence for security, but once we have it to any degree we look to change it because it’s boring. We swing between looking for one then the other.

    Reply
  6. This is a great article and one that I really needed to read. Living in New York City and working in Corporate America can take a toll on you. I’m learning to let things be because change is inevitable. I’m learning to except it more and more each day. It’s not as bad as we make it out to be.

    Reply
  7. Great article! I am going through some great struggles right now. You have helped me. I I’ll share it on my Facebook page.

    Reply
    • Thank you, Mark.
      Larry

      Reply
  8. this article is a great help to all of those who are going through down times
    thank you so much for sharing it

    Reply
  9. Wonderful post – the only thing we can count on in life is CHANGE – going with the flow of change –

    Surrender
    Allow
    WOW

    In WOW I mean when we surrender and allow then we can be WOWed by life!

    To change,
    Nancy

    Reply
  10. Larry, good post. i pride myself on accepting change all around me and then get disturbed when I see age markers in my appearance compared to when I retired eleven years ago. I’m supposed to float on top of the change, not be change. This helped. Jim

    Reply
    • Jim: I completely agree. I have found that “floating on top of the change” may be the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I have had some success, but must continue to work, endlessly.
      Larry

      Reply
  11. Thanks a lot… I gain self knowledge. I’d became more vulnerable to the pain, because I cannot accept the changes that is happening to me, being stuck up in the past. I think I must strive to be more happy for what I have in the present. Thank you, it inspires me.

    Reply
    • Rose: Great attitude! Keep up the good work. Only one suggestion: do not strive to be happy, Strive to be present and to manage your inner and outer selves so that you are a force for good for yourself and for others. Inner peace will arise.
      Larry

      Reply

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