No, I don’t really think responsibilities are a drag, but sometimes it feels that way…..

When I think about it, the life I have now at 26 - settled down with a wife and two kids - was the life I expected at 36. I love my current situation, but even so there are times when I know my responsibilities as a father keep me from what I might otherwise be doing. For example, recently there was a huge music festival close to Vancouver that featured Coldplay, Nine Inch Nails, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Wolfmother and many, many more great bands. BC (Before Children) Kathryn and I would have been there in an instant. Instead we spent most of the weekend hanging around the house. This is not to say it was a bad weekend (it was quite a good weekend thank you very much), but it certainly didn’t contain the thrills and excitement of a music festival featuring some of the biggest bands in the world and 40,000+ people.

Sometimes responsibility is something we willingly take on, but at other times it is thrust upon us without us having much say in the matter. As I have previously written about, becoming a dad was the last thing I wanted when I was told the big news on my 24th birthday (what a present!). I now consider fatherhood to be the greatest experience of my life, so obviously my attitude toward this responsibility changed.

In this article I would like to share some advice as to what to do when life taps you on the shoulder and tells you it is time to step up and take on a major responsibility. Perhaps, like I was, you are surprised to discover you are going to be a parent. Maybe you need to start caring for an elderly parent or someone with special needs. Or perhaps you are being promoted to a management position at work. There are endless examples of responsibilities……. lets get on and have a look at what you can do.

Self-Identity

Unexpected or unwanted responsibilities can mess with your self-identity. In my early twenties fun and travel were my primary goals in life, and I expected this to continue throughout my twenties. When I found out I was going to be a father I could not initially reconcile this news with the fun-seeking, carefree identity I had given myself. It took a few months, and a lot of thinking about life, for me to change my attitude towards fatherhood.

My change in attitude was accompanied by a change in my self-identity. I had a good hard think about who I was, what I was about and what I valued. Now changing your self-identity is certainly not easy, and really its discussion warrants another article (at the very least). What I would like to stress here is that it is possible if you are willing to give it a go.

Choosing Your Attitude

In so many ways we “choose our attitude” to things in life. Responsibilities such as parenthood can feel like a drag for a number of reasons. Firstly, sometimes it can be really tough being a parent! For the past few weeks I have been on parental leave from work, and it is only really during this period I have begun to fully appreciate how stressful and tiring it can be looking after young children day in and day out. No wonder Kathryn looks exhausted when I get home from work!

But while being a parent can be tough, I believe many parents make things harder than they need to due to a poor attitude. I have come to the conclusion that common preconceived notions about having kids - eg that they will stop you from traveling, becoming rich, having fun, etc - are myths. That is, they are only true if you allow them to be true (see my article Exposed: 3 Myths About Becoming a Parent for more on this).

My key point here is this: if you are not careful, responsibilities can unconsciously get in the way of enjoying life and realizing your dreams. I suggest making a conscious decision to approach life with a positive, can-do attitude.

Adapting Dreams and Goals

Responsibilities such as kids do not have to kill dreams and destroy goals. Admittedly these dreams and goals can be harder to realize, but what I have found is that responsibilties can provide one of the key ingredients to success: motivation. Because I now see myself as a provider for my family, I have a constant source of motivation.

The other thing I would point out is that the way you define words - eg success, happiness and fun - can change and be adapted to what stage you are at in life. When I became a dad, my idea of what constitutes fun shifted and I really started to appreciate the simple pleasures in life . Yes, I obviously still consider a music festival to be a lot a fun, but so is chasing my 18 month old son around the park. And you know what? There will be more music festivals in the future we can go to when the boys are older….

Getting On With It

For a couple of years I was stuck in the mindset of wanting life to be easier (see my article Getting Over It, and Getting On With It). With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that this mindset led to unhappiness and prevented me from getting on with what needed to get done to realize my dreams and goals. An important breakthrough came when in 2006 I stopped wishing my life was easier and instead committed myself to being better.

When it comes to responsibilities, I suggest committing yourself to being a better person, a better member of your community, a better husband, a better wife, a better parent, a better child…… (I’m sure you get the idea!). What I suspect you may find is that by committing to be better in these areas, other areas of your life such as your health, creativity, business, etc will also see improvements.

Seeking Out Those Who Understand

Chances are if you are currently coming to grips with a responsibility, someone else has been through it before or is also going through it. Books, community groups, blogs (!), internet forums….. these are all ways you tap into other people’s knowledge and experience, or simply just find a sympathetic ear.

Cultivating Gratitude

It is important to be thankful for what you do have, rather than dwell on what you do not. For example, I have found responsibilities have made me slow down and gain some perspective on life. That is, I have come to appreciate what really is important in life. And once you gain perspective, do you really want to go back?

Challenging Preconceived Ideas

In the West, we place a lot of emphasis on the rights of an individual. Through my studies at university (where one of my majors was Asian Studies) and my current workplace (where over half of my colleagues are Chinese) I have come to see how different cultures approach life. The Chinese, for example, take very seriously the virtue of filial piety. In general terms, filial piety means to be good to one’s parents. I don’t know about you, but I see a general disrespect for age in Western society. I guess where I’m going with this is that in the example of caring for an elderly parent, such a responsibility could feel like a burden due to negative preconceived ideas about age that are prevalent in Western society. On a somewhat related sidenote, do yourself a favor and read Water for Elephants - I just finished it and loved it.

Another example is communitarianism, which according to Wikipedia “emphasizes the need to balance individual rights and interests with that of the community as a whole, and that autonomous selves are shaped by the culture and values of the community.” Singapore is an example of a country that follows this philosophy. Now, I’m not saying the West should embrace communitarianism (it has its fair share of critics), but it is interesting to ponder a set of ideas that focuses less on the individual and more on what is good for the community. Once again, by focusing less on “me”, and more on “we” and “us” it is possible to reshape your attitude toward certain responsibilities.

Do you have a story that involves accepting responsibility? I would love to hear it in the comments section below.

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The DreamBank

Recently a couple of Vancouver bloggers, Monica Hamburg and Darren Barefoot, brought my attention to the DreamBank. You may have noticed I have been thinking/ writing a lot about dreams lately, so it seems fitting I came across this site which aims to connect the dreamers out there with those who might help fund those dreams.

It’s a pretty cool site, and they have even added a “Win Your Dream” contest that could see you win $1,500 (there are 5 of these prizes to give away). So if you have a dream, or a few extra dollars that might help someone else’s dream come true, I highly recommend giving the DreamBank a look.

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Tags: Happiness, Life, Parenting //