You Are Already Whole
Photo byEvil Erin
By Gail Brenner
Some of us have had a tough go of it in life. We have had experiences, maybe starting at a very young age, that have affected our self-esteem, relationships, and ability to succeed in life. We might be dealing with depression or anxiety or have difficulty coping. These experiences are commonly called “wounds.” We feel damaged and strive to heal through psychotherapy and reading self-help books. We think that if we fix the broken parts of ourselves, we will eventually feel normal again.
The assumption embedded in this focus on self-improvement is that happiness (or contentment, peace) is a state that we might attain some time in the future once all our problems are solved. It is easy to forget, but essential to remember that: we are already whole.
All of the wounds we think define who we are are actually conditioned. They are they result of lessons we have learned based on experiences we have had. Consider a 5-year-old boy who is ridiculed every time he cries, or a young girl left to fend for herself while her mother lies drunk on the couch. We don’t naturally suppress our emotions or feel lonely or abandoned – these reactions are learned from situations we encounter.
So who are we before this learning took place? I invite you to take a look and see. Drill down, like a miner searching for gold, to the place in you that has existed prior to any learning. You may be going to your birth, or even earlier. What do you find? You will see that who you are before conditioning – that is, the unconditioned you – is whole, free, light, and clear. It has no problems and is lacking nothing. No matter how many challenging experience you have had or how badly you feel about yourself, this state of wholeness is still here. It is who you actually are.
This unconditioned state can be subtle. You can discover it if you investigate underneath your thoughts and feelings. It also unexpectedly appears in daily life – do you recognize it?
- Being caught up in the flow of an enjoyable experience
- Laughing uncontrollably
- At the moment of orgasm
- A second or two of happiness that wells up from nowhere
- A feeling of peace or bliss when in nature.
When we have experiences like these, we sometimes say that we lose ourselves in them. I would argue just the opposite – that this is when we actually find ourselves.
What is common to these experiences is that the thinking mind is at rest. We perpetuate problems in our lives by thinking about them. Over and over, we repeat the same stories of what should or shouldn’t have happened, of sadness and despair, of being overwhelmed and unable to cope. They become our identity and we live according to them. If we look prior to the stories, or if our thinking naturally stops, we discover this place of wholeness and freedom that is, and always has been, present.
In the world of self-improvement, we tend to look outside ourselves for methods that will fix us so we can feel better at some future time. Try something radical, which is making a U-turn with your attention. Look inside yourself underneath the wounds, prior to all conditioning, and discover that peace is here, available now.
When you are in the throes of your problems, feeling like you will never feel better or improve, know this essential truth: You are already whole.
Are you aware of the state of wholeness? I’d love to hear your reactions and insights.
About the author: Gail Brenner, Ph.D. offers practical and inspiring wisdom for realizing true happiness at her blog, A Flourishing Life, focusing on real solutions for self-defeating habits.
You might also like:
- Healing Emotional Wounds
- How to Change Your Focus and Be Happy Now
- What is Happiness?
- How I Became Happier
- Eckhart Tolle’s Guide to Writing
Learn how I found happiness and meaning and how you can too. Get your FREE copy of my e-book by signing up.
39 Comments
October 12th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Love this post… Beautiful image and beautiful writing…
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October 12th, 2009 at 11:40 am
@Positively Present, Thanks so much for you comment, PP.
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October 12th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Hi Gail.
I like the message here. It made me stop and think for a bit. We do hear a lot about how we are not fully there yet, or are not a complete 100% of the package until item X or Y is obtained, and this post would negate those messages. I would agree with the mode of thinking you present here because it is on the positive end of the spectrum. We are here and whole as we are, and conceptions that we are broken in some way don’t help us improve in qualities that we see ourselves as broken in anyway.
Improvement first comes from feeling like a complete package that can go further.
Thanks for this positive material.
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October 12th, 2009 at 11:32 am
@Armen Shirvanian, I love your comment, Armen, thank you. We can strive forever and not be perfect. But if we are open to looking inward, and investigating to discover the absolute truth, the wholeness that we always are is revealed. And it’s true – thinking we are broken is not a helpful thought.
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October 12th, 2009 at 9:41 am
I agree and have thought this for years – however, it’s sometimes difficult to remember when you’re struggling. I try not to have regrets or wishes that my life should have been different. It was what it was and is and it shaped who I am as I am today. I’ve learned my lessons and have lived my life the best way I could given all of my experiences and perception. That’s all ANYONE can do regardless of their past.
kudos to a fine post.
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October 12th, 2009 at 11:57 am
@Amber, Thanks so much, Amber. I completely agree – we are all doing our best in life at any given moment. Remembering that we are whole is definitely helpful – and it is a spark to investigate so that this truth is actually known and realized. It is possible, even in the midst of struggling, to let go of the painful story in the mind and meet our experience (feelings) with compassion. This is the doorway to the direct experience of knowing that we are whole. Sending you love…
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October 12th, 2009 at 11:14 am
This is a great post and it is very well written. If you’ve not read “This Light Within Yourself” by Jiddu Krishnamurti, you should! His philosophies (and mine) are quite close to yours.
It is interesting that you mention the “world of self-improvement.”
You might agree with my belief that there is no such thing as “self-improvement.” There are only varying degrees of self-discovery. The self, in other words, can not be improved. It already exists in its highest form. It simply needs to be uncovered.
“One’s own self is well hidden from one’s own self; of all mines of treasure, one’s own is the last to be dug up.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
“In the cultivation of the mind, our emphasis should be not on concentration, but on attention. Concentration is a process of forcing the mind to narrow down to a point, whereas attention is without frontiers.” ~ J. Krishnamurti
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October 12th, 2009 at 11:40 am
@Kent @ The Financial Philosopher, We are kindred spirits, Kent. I agree that there is no such thing as self-improvement. Regarding the Krishnamurti quote, attention is the key, and the only tool, to freedom. If we are willing to be fully aware, and meet all experience as it is, the Self is revealed. It is such a joy to really know that there is truly nothing lacking.
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October 13th, 2009 at 5:34 am
@Gail @ A Flourishing Life: Thanks, Gail. The Krishnamurti book title is actually “This Light in Oneself.” I stated the title incorrectly in the previous comment.
With your interest in attention, you would enjoy eastern Indian philosophy in general, not just Krishnamurti. Deepak Chopra is probably the best known modern figure in Indian philosophy and spiritual matters.
Indian philosophy centers upon desire, control and attention.
“If your attention is fragmented, you are fragmented.” ~ Deepak Chopra
“Freedom from the desire for an answer is essential to the understanding of a problem.” Jiddu Krishnamurti
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October 13th, 2009 at 7:59 am
@Kent @ The Financial Philosopher, Thanks for the suggestions, Kent.
October 12th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I agree with you that, at a particular state of awareness, we are all whole. And I also acknowledge that our biology and our brain — and the mind that emerges out of it — create patterns that blind us to the possibility of our inherent wholeness with the rest of creation. Those patterns become who we believe ourselves to be — much like a horse with blinders on does not see the grass that lies at each side of the road. It’s there, the horse is simply not aware of it. Learning how to manage the brain’s bias to create life long patterns, negatively assessed of course, is what opens the door to a deeper sense of what we can be. Without coming to understand and manage the power of our biology over the way we create our lives, claiming our wholeness remains elusive.
Rande
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October 12th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
@Rande Howell, I appreciate your eloquent comment. I agree that biology is a powerful force that needs to be factored in if our intention is to reclaim our wholeness. Managing that power may lead to moments or periods of realization, but then we are left with continuing to manage it when our habits reappear. This is an effortful struggle that may not be necessary. I have found that when we identify and fully embrace the source of our habitual patterns in love, every time they occur, eventually they soften and even fade away. As these patterns dissolve, the truth of our nature is revealed – already whole, fulfilled, and free. Although initially challenging, this process eventually is effortless and even joyful – simply noticing what is arising in our experience and welcoming it fully. Fear, grief, despair, rage can all be welcomed with friendliness and acceptance. This is like taking the fuel out of the tank – the patterns eventually stop running. Would love to hear what you think…
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October 12th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
“When we have experiences like these, we sometimes say that we lose ourselves in them. I would argue just the opposite – that this is when we actually find ourselves.”
Well said, I couldn’t agree more! These are moments to live for
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October 12th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
@Mark Lewis, Yes, we love finding ourselves!!
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October 12th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
It’s funny, I just wrote a similar thing. We are already whole, and we create a false sense of self and start building up negativity. Then in order to feel whole again, we chase all sort of things, when all we really need to do is be still and see how easy it actually is to release negativity.
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October 12th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
@Kaushik, thank you so much for your comment. Yes, being still is an essential support to realizing our wholeness. It can be easy for some people to release negativity, but it can also bring up fear and resistance in people. Even though the false self is false, people can hold it close and do everything but get to know it directly. It definitely helps to bring huge doses of compassion and kindness to oneself.
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October 12th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
I agree that we are already whole. The mind, people and environment affects us. But we have to look past these things and enjoy life. Go after dreams, live abundantly and add value to the world.
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October 12th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
@Omar, Beautifully said, Omar. Thanks for commenting.
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October 14th, 2009 at 12:13 am
I must say…. this is one of the most inspiring and refreshing articles I’ve read in a long time. Thank you so much for reminding us all that we aren’t waiting to become whole. We are whole. Namaste
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October 14th, 2009 at 6:57 am
@Nea | Self Improvement Saga, Great, Nea! I’m glad you found it helpful.
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October 14th, 2009 at 4:43 am
Hello Gail. I don’t believe there could be any better advice than “taking a U-turn” and looking inside for the Truth. But if I may, I’d like to comment on “looking inside” in a way that might sound odd at first. Ready? It can’t be done. Before you run away, let me explain. In essence, we can’t go to this “place inside us” you’ve mentioned …but we can make this place come to us. This odd sounding fact of life is true even for ordinary things. Here’s an example. Imagine a closed box. What’s inside? There’s no way to know unless you open it. Maybe you think taking X-rays of the box would tell you what’s inside without opening it….but that’s just a disguised way of opening it. So what you say? So this. We NEVER get “inside” anything. We ALWAYS make the inside come to us….by going there or opening something or whatever. What’s “inside” before we make it come to us is an ancient unsolved puzzle. It’s the “what sound does a cannon make when nobody’s there to hear it” riddle. Alright, so here’s the point of all this opening and closing boxes. To “look inside” ourselves…..we have to make our feelings, thoughts, emotions, and authentic selves “come out” into the light of day. Like opening a box. To do that we take away one fear that holds us back. Fear of being judged. And so, back to your profound advice. Anyone who does NOT “take a U-turn” and learn how to “look inside” will never find what they’re looking for in life. Just as you pointed out, to know the power of Being whole, we must “know thyself”. But of course, the trick lies in learning how to do it. Ciao Gail and thanks for your insights. John Duffield
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October 14th, 2009 at 7:15 am
@John Duffield, I enjoyed reading your comment, John. Thanks so much. I have a bit of a different perspective on fear. My experience has been that I cannot eliminate fears. What I can do is meet them directly and welcome them lovingly. Fears exist because somewhere back in time, we cut off a part of ourselves, and it went underground. Knowing fear directly and embracing it in love is the healing balm for wholeness and integration. And when that cut off part is welcomed back in, the fear releases its grip. We are more at ease, and there is space for who we really are to radiate endlessly.
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October 16th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Excellent reminders Gail. Life is an interesting balance of living in, and being happy in, the moment, while still learning and making adjustments. I think you are absolutely right that there can be a tendency to attach happiness and wholeness to some future reality.
Like so many other things, happiness is a choice, not a set of ideal circumstances. In fact, making a decision to be happy now can have a huge influence on the circumstances and situations we attract into our lives. Nice article, thanks.
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October 16th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
@Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills, You mention an interesting paradox, Jonathan, about living in the moment, and still learning and making adjustments. Life is dynamic and flowing, not static. When we are truly alive in the moment, the wisdom can come to make changes – to be more aligned and let go of what isn’t serving so we can live more intelligently.
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October 17th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Life isn’t logical, finding our way is intuitive at times…
To appreciate life you can’t have it be too cerebral, it’s a dance!…
Love of thinking leads to the conclusion that everythings meaningless
or that everythings futile. Once you get out of your head and feel you can enjoy the sensual experience that is life, the breeze on your skin, the lushness of poetry…
We’re just here to feel good, it’s how we feel about life that matters, an ice-cream in the middle of the day, a nice song, that’s all, our emotional happiness from moment to moment – am I enjoying right now? That’s all…I think we forget that sometimes…there isn’t an answer, there’s no purpose its just as simple as a picnic…life is a song rather than a thesis, it’s lighthearted rather than serious, it’s just a fluid, breezy thing, my man!…thinking is too much effort…
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October 18th, 2009 at 7:47 am
@Zubyre Parvez, So beautifully said, and so simple: Am I enjoying right now? Thanks for the comment, and thank you so much for your website.
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October 31st, 2009 at 9:42 am
Exactly.
We dont make ourselves whole, we only think we have correct or added to what is assumed as being missnig or incorrect
We’ve just shifted our perception of ourselves
Great article
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October 31st, 2009 at 2:15 pm
@Jon @ Adventures of the Fearless, Thanks so much for your comment. When we truly understand that we are already whole, it becomes funny to think that we can make ourselves whole. How can we make ourselves whole when we already are? How can we find love when we are love? If we turn our attention inward and are diligent about drilling down to the absolute truth, the searching naturally comes to an end because we see that we already are everything we have been longing for. It’s so simple (although not necessarily easy), and so lovely.
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December 14th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
A lot of the work I do is Self Relations work under the ideal that everything we need were were given the moment we were born, we just need to access it. The concept that people are “broken and need fixed” is often one my clients struggle with. This very succinctly communicates the ideals that we are NOT broken. Thank you!
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December 15th, 2009 at 4:12 am
@Marissa Engel, My pleasure, Marissa. Sounds like you are doing wonderful work with people. It starts by you holding the space for wholeness, integration, and possibility. If we investigate deeply enough, we can see that we are not broken. This is not a truth people need to believe – it is available for all to realize in their own experience.
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December 19th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Wow. Thanks for a great article!
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December 19th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Glad you appreciated it, Helene.
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February 3rd, 2010 at 1:12 am
Excellent post. Several years ago, I too was hit by the ton of bricks that I didn’t have to keep searching for “it”. That I was already “it” and had everything I needed all the time. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, there was no yellow brick road- it was all a dream. My life has done a 180 since then, only because I no longer have to “do” anything. I finally “get it” that I can go with the flow and the right thing to do is exactly what I want to do. Nice to not have to read any more books, do any more chants, or find any more wisdom “out there”. Free at last
donovan
Gotham City, WI
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February 3rd, 2010 at 12:14 pm
So beautiful to hear about your experiences, Donovan. “It” is nowhere but here, right in this moment. Here is fulfillment, clarity, and peace, but even these words don’t begin to describe it. And what a relief to realize there is nothing to be done!
May your light shine brightly….
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